It's a normal weekday. I just woke up, brushed my teeth, and now I'm standing in front of my closet for several minutes, thinking about whether to pick my light blue jeans or the dark blue ones, and which shirt would complement the trousers. I was paralyzed, not moving, just thinking. I myself didn't really care which trousers I picked, as long as they felt comfortable. However, my head swirled around thoughts of other people—schoolmates, girls I liked—and what they would think if I wore an outfit I liked. Still frozen in place, pondering the opinions I would receive for my looks that day, suddenly a realization struck. Did I even know what the people I cared about wore yesterday? I pondered intensely, but besides fleeting glimpses, I could not remember what others had worn, not even my best friend or some of the girls I liked. And even if I remembered some of the looks of other people, I really didn't care at all. I was perplexed because I had put so much effort into choosing an outfit so that others wouldn't see me as a weirdo. Yet, when I didn't care about the looks of people I like and respect, why would others feel any different about me? Since then, I've only cared about looking well put together and feeling comfortable in my outfit.
Make the experiment yourself and think about three people you're close to or just like—it could even be your crush whose looks you care so much about. Do you remember what they wore the last time you met them? I partly would because I've practiced awareness and the ability to be present, but even with this newfound insight on what people wear, I still do not care.
In our teenage years, we spend a lot of time thinking about the opinions other people have about us. Sometimes, this is so crippling that we act differently from our inner core, our own true personality, to fit the expectations of strangers. We become alienated from our true selves when in public and take on the role of someone we aren't, mostly because we believe we would matter and people would care about us.
This behavior is so common that it has a name in psychology. The so-called 'spotlight effect' describes the phenomenon where humans tend to overestimate being noticed. We perceive ourselves as the center of our own world, assuming everything revolves around us. Unable to comprehend an objective reality or that every person is the center of their own world, we project our own point of view onto everyone around us. Because we are self-aware, we believe that others must be equally aware of us.
So, nobody cares about you, except you and some people close to you like parents, siblings, and maybe in some cases, your partner.
But there is no shame in this realization. We can see it as our liberation to live true to our own core and to do the things we avoid because we fear other people's opinions.
'Other people's heads are a wretched place to be the home of a man's true happiness.' - Arthur Schopenhauer in 'The Wisdom of Life'
When adopting the mindset that nobody cares about you, and you stop caring about the opinions of others, you hold all the cards in your hands. You don't give your power to act away but gain confidence in doing the necessary, yet perhaps 'ugly,' things. When sitting in class and not understanding what the teacher is discussing, you should ask them to repeat it for you. However, when you care about possible opinions or believe people care, you become afraid of looking foolish and embarrassing yourself in front of the class. Instead, you hinder your learning because you can't learn without asking the 'dumb' questions. Your actions become dependent on the 'approval' of the crowd instead of gaining approval for your actions. As we've established, you are not a unique snowflake, and perhaps you're not the only one thinking the 'dumb' question, so when you ask it, you become their hero. 'In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.'
Even though everyone is preoccupied with their reality, people still harbor dreams about others' lives. However, these dreams almost never align with our goals. To please strangers, we start living and acting according to their dream for our lives, taking the safer route, going to university for a degree we don't like, not pursuing our goals because they seem risky. When we let them determine our lives, we give our power away and deviate from our true core, leading to unhappiness. We should still respect our parents, for example, and the hopes and dreams they have for us so that we may have guidance in becoming independent humans. However, we should ask ourselves, 'Is this a decision I would make on my own?' We are egotistical; we are the center of our own world, and for decades, we are the ones we have to accept and carry around in this world. It serves us little to conform to others' dreams when, deep down, we feel unhappy, unsatisfied, and unfulfilled because we don't live true to our core. Everyone has a dream for your life; make sure yours survives!
This may feel strange because our parents have sacrificed so much for us to be healthy and succeed in life, and I believe they have the best intentions. However, sometimes, the things we must do to reach our goals don't seem good or safe to outsiders. But I also believe that when our parents truly want the best for us, they will accept our decisions, even if they are unpopular, as long as we find happiness in the end.
Ask yourself: What is more important, your own progress or the supposed opinions of other people?"
