Understand Yourself (Beware of Toxic Characters)

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Last week, I talked about the importance of finding your character and also showcased how crucial it is to seek out strong characters in your life. This knowledge stems from the book I mentioned in my last blog: The Concise Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene. Today’s blog is about toxic character types, which are hard to detect and have a negative impact on our lives. Therefore, it’s crucial to understand how to discover the true character of people, which is merely impossible. Robert Greene offers advice for this dilemma, separating toxic characters into different categories. I was surprised that the majority of these toxic archetypes stem from problems in childhood and youth. Before I start with the toxic characters, I want to mention that this is just a tool, not unquestionable truth. You can’t detect the true character of a person with 100% certainty, especially when the person you are trying to understand is a master in disguise. Being a person with many faces has its advantages, but always demands a high price. Sometimes, it's so subtle that the person only discovers their misery when it’s too late. The toxic types that I will mention now are tricky, you only detect them after it’s too late. Therefore, Greene gives warnings in the form of characterizations so that we can prevent ourselves from tragedy and misery. The majority of the blog credits to Robert Greene.

The Hyperperfectionist

We all know people who are always hardworking, constantly trying to improve their work. This is not a bad thing, right? We are so fascinated by their seemingly discipline and their obsession with perfection. The problem is that nobody is perfect and when you have to work with these people, you slowly discover the reality: they are unable to delegate tasks, need to oversee everything. It’s more about power and control than high standards and dedication to the group. Greene mentions that this character is formed by having dependency issues, stemming from their family background. They don’t want to depend on people for something, hence it’s reopening old wounds of anxiety. It’s best to understand their motives and to stop working with them as fast as possible before you go down with their impossible goal to control everything and reach perfectionism.

The Relentless Rebel

“These people hate authority and love the underdog.” Their humor is harsh, always in a biting sense. You might think that this is part of their authenticity to deflate everyone, but it’s more the uncontrollable compulsion to feel superior. This character stems from having a disappointing figure of authority in their childhood, like parents. They came to the conclusion that they hate everyone in authority, unable to take any criticism. They will stay in adolescence forever, making it useless to try to stop them from their compulsive behaviors.

The Personalizer

“These people seem so sensitive and thoughtful, a rare and nice quality.” Unfortunately, their sensitivity goes only one way: inward. They take everything personally. No matter what you do, these people will find ways to blame everything on you. I prefer the term “snowflakes” rather than “Personalizer”. In my life, I stumbled across this character many times. Making it even worse because I tend to tell the harsh truth, which is not optimal when dealing with these people. They try to make you feel guilty for something you haven’t done. It’s funny because you can counter that with a reckless “Idgaf-attitude”. It’s best to show these people their limits and their own pathetic nature. Their character comes from the feeling of being left behind as children, always lacking affection, love, and material possessions. Kinda sad, to be honest, but this isn’t your problem. It becomes one when you believe that you are guilty because they say so.

The Drama Magnet

A dangerous one. Attention-seeking characters that always, always play the victim. You could refer it to victim mentality. In their childhood, they learned that they only got affection from their parents when they would scream and do anything related to creating a problem large enough for the parents to notice. This character tries everything to get its hooks in your flesh or your attention and affection. Your typical drama queen might be one of this toxic field.

The Big Talker

Confidence is a nice attribute, but when you find people who seem overly confident in themselves, like they powdered their nose with cocaine instead of sneezing into a tissue, it might just be a fraud. Especially when these people have no evidence of what they claim to own or to achieve in the future. In the end, these people blame everything on others, hence they didn’t believe in their dreams, etc. Their behavior stems from having inconsistent parents who would punish them draconically for the smallest failure. So they are doing anything that is possible to avoid criticism. They end up achieving nothing at all. Be amused by their stories, but take it no further.

The Sexualizer

“They seem to be charged with sexual energy, in a way that is refreshingly unrepressed. But in truth, it is compulsive and comes from a dark place. In their earliest years, such people probably suffered sexual abuse in some way.”

This pattern cannot be controlled; hence it is deeply set from within. They see everything as sexual, for example, relationships. This is not the case when you just have high libido. Not everybody with high libido is a toxic person who was abused as a child, but you get the idea. You can’t save these people; you can only save yourself from them.

The Pampered Prince/Princess

“They will draw you in with their regal air. Slowly you might find yourself doing favors for them, working extra hard for no pay, and not really understanding how or why. In childhood, their parents indulged them in their slightest whim and protected them from any kind of harsh intrusion from the outside world. You will notice often that when they don't get what they want, they display baby-like behavior, pouting, or even tantrums. This is certainly the pattern for all of their intimate relationships, and unless you have a deep need to pamper others, you will find the relationship maddening, always on their terms. If you feel guilty for not helping them, it means you are hooked and should look to take care of yourself instead.”

The Pleaser

They are so flattering that you are overwhelmed by their presence. They are always nice to everyone. You suddenly get the feeling that something is odd, but you can’t find the reason. They have developed this attitude not because they want to please everyone, they want to protect themselves. Being overly and falsely kind to everyone is just a defense mechanism for them. Perhaps they had punishing parents who blamed them for every action. You need to be alert when people are extremely kind, far from what is natural.

The Savior

“You cannot believe your good luck: you have met someone who will save you from your difficulties and troubles. In the beginning, it is all quite seductive, but your doubts begin the moment you want to assert your independence and do things on your own. In childhood, these types often had to become the caregivers of their own mother, father, or siblings. This sets a pattern: they gain their greatest satisfaction from rescuing people, from being the caregiver and savior. But you can detect the compulsive aspect of this behavior by their need to control you. If they are willing to let you stand on your own two feet after some initial help, then they are truly noble. If not, it is really about the power they can exercise. In any event, it is always best to cultivate self-reliance and tell saviors to save themselves.”

The Easy Moralizer

“They communicate a sense of outrage at this bit of injustice or that, and they are quite eloquent. But sometimes you detect cracks in their righteous veneer. They don't treat their employees so well; they are condescending to their spouse; they may have a secret life or vice you catch glimpses of. As children, they were often made to feel guilty for their own strong impulses and desires for pleasure. They were punished and tried to repress these impulses. In truth, they are secretly drawn toward what they condemn, which is why they will inevitably have a secret side. Notice their lack of empathy early on and keep your distance.”

As you can see, it’s fascinating how much childhood and parents shape our characters, for better or for worse, as you can see after learning about the toxic characters.

I hope your day is going great so far; if not, do something about it!